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#HowTo Have ChildLike Faith

  • ameliarenee227
  • 5 days ago
  • 9 min read

I'll share a backstory with you to add depth to the concept of having childlike faith.


When I was a very young girl, I had a mommy and a daddy. There was a woman I knew as my mother and a man I knew as my father, but I secretly yearned for my mother. I yearned for a mother. I don't remember my exact prayer to God or if I prayed about it at all, but I expected God to do it for me.


Throughout my life, I barely remembered that I had made that request known to God, that I wanted a mother. When I brought up my desire for a mother, others called me selfish and ungrateful because I had a mother, and some people didn't. But, they didn't understand my yearning. In 27 years of life, I never denounced the mother I knew as my mother. I took her for all she came with. I wasn't the perfect daughter, but I did my best to make her proud and pray she knows that I genuinely love her.


I grew silent about my yearning for a mother. In fact, it became a secret. I promise I was not being ungrateful for the mother I knew, but I secretly felt like there was someone else in my heart. I unconsciously searched for that mother in my heart. I had a host of grandmothers and godmothers, some who assumed the role, and others I asked. I adopted school and work moms, church and dance mothers throughout my life. There was a host of aunties, cousins, and sisters who all guided me through life and made the ache for the mother in my heart not so bad.


When I had my children, the mother I knew acted in a way that made me question her role as my mother. I didn't question her role in a way that would lead me to dig any further at the time; I left my wonder at maybe she was not being a good mother. I never thought she was not my biological mother. I just thought she acted in ways that a mother shouldn't act. I didn't yet realize how her role as my mother was just that, a role. She struggled with acting like a mother to me because she wasn't.


When I turned 18, she quietly dismissed me in a way that felt like she had done her time. She was free from the bondage of being my mother. I always tried to be her good daughter. I wasn't the child one would feel the need to throw away or push out of the house. I was a scholar, ready to take on the world. She made me turn down scholarships and college opportunities, just to throw me away and expect me to suffer. I was 24 and 26 when I had my first two children, and I had begun to view motherhood in a different light.


When I was 27, I met a Soul Sister, that's what we used to call each other. When I first met her, she reminded me of the mother I knew. I told her she reminded me of my mother, but I never showed her a picture of my family. Months later, our other Soul Sister and I were sharing photos of our families with each other.


She gasped and said, "[Soul Sister] looks just like this woman."


I asked her to show me who she was referring to, and lo and behold, she was referring to the mother I knew. She was right, Soul Sister looks just like the mother I knew. Their foreheads are the same, their lips, even the way they wore their hair, but it was that nose ring in both of their nose, at the very same spot, that really baffled me. I was raised as the oldest child and the only daughter of the mother I knew, so I was sure she didn't have another daughter, or was I?


A few months later, God asked, "How do you feel about [the mother I knew]?"


I told God that she was "cool," and I loved her. He asked me to dig deeper and be more honest.


So I admitted, "God, I don't really feel like she's my mother."


God said, "good" to my honesty and then continued, "because she not."


I was baffled, "What do you mean she's not my mother?"


I assumed I was tripping. I tried to dismiss it, but I couldn't. God showed me a woman, and there she was. The mother in my heart was real; she was alive and well. My heart fluttered and palpitated. No one had made my heart feel this way; It wasn't sexual or inappropriate, it wasn't the same way my husband makes me feel that I adore, or how my heart leaps at the mere thought of my babies. It was different, like the heart of the little girl I used to be had begun to pump again.


You know how your heart pumped as a kid when you were excited? Maybe you felt it when it was time to go outside for recess, or the morning of Christmas, that feeling when you're opening a birthday present or on your way to do that thing you loved the most? If I could explain how this feeling felt, it was like when a baby comes out of the womb and looks at their mother for the first time, and their little heart pumps so fast because they are finally seeing her, finally in her arms, finally feeling her warmth from the outside.


God had shown me her briefly a few days before he revealed who she was to me. When I stopped and really processed what was happening, these feelings I just described overtook me. I felt them for a little while, until I reached out to my assumed birth mother and she told me she wasn't my mother and to leave her and her family alone. She denied me almost three weeks before my 28th birthday; all that excitement and anticipation to end up heartbroken.


Fast forward to the present day, I'm 30, and I still feel the ache of denial. My heart no longer flutters as often for her, and my faith has been faltering. I still am unsure who my birth mother truly is. To get to the point, I avoided going into more detail about why I am not sure of who my birth parents are, like no birth photos of me, or proof that the mother I knew birthed me. Adult me feels the ache in my chest, doctors have run tests, and everything is fine, so I know it's a broken heart.


It's currently the holiday season, and my young children understand it's almost Christmas, but they're still processing the aspect of waiting for the exact day. We're having a rather big Christmas this year, so as box after box gets delivered, bags of goods get snuck into the back room, decorations go up, and the house gets prepared for what's to come, my babies grow increasingly excited. However, I realized that, no matter how sad they get about not being able to open the boxes yet, they remain happy and expectant.


Even though things may not be going the way they want them to yet, they are not only remaining excited but also expectant. They may not understand when, or can perceive how long they must wait, but their excitement for what's to come never changes. Oh, the joys of childlike faith. Oh, the joys of not being bound by time or buried in anticipation.


Anticipation used to bring us joy and excitement, not anxiety and frustration. We used to be excited in our waiting because we knew that the thing we wished would happen would happen eventually. The waiting sometimes felt like the fun part. Have you ever seen children having fun in the rollercoaster line? Like they actually seem happy to wait, chatting about what they expected or knew was to come. I recall seeing children happily waiting in long lines to get on the rides they wanted, whereas I am always willing to skip the long line and find another ride with a shorter wait.


In line, they get to spend time together, excited to be at the amusement park or wherever they are. They're just happy to be where they are and enjoy every minute of it, filling the time they have to wait with the anticipation of what they are waiting for. As we get older, we're more prone to getting out of line, avoiding long wait times, and expecting things to process as quickly as possible. We get out of line.


We get out of line.


We step out of the will of God. We give up on what we are trusting God for because it is taking too long. We moan and groan in our waiting. Life has evolved to a fingertip service; we have everything at our fingertips nowadays. Anything that takes too long, if we aren't quitting, we're wondering if we should cancel it or walk away from it. Why? Because we don't want to wait.


Do you know something that may become thinner as we age? Patience. We still retain traces of that childlike faith because we still know to expect, but as we grow older and life begins to unfold, our tolerance for time dwindles. We lose sight of how to be joyful in waiting, in affliction, in expectation, because we fear that what we want will not really come to pass. We must return to those layers of ourselves that weren't so wrapped up in how long, but were content with knowing God was going to do it regardless.


When I was a little girl praying for the mother in my heart, I didn't question the when; I was just sure of the what. I didn't realize that I had moved forward in the line of life, waiting my turn to get what I had been hoping for. I was around 5 years old when I first remember yearning for the mother in my heart, and it took me 22 years to feel like I had recognized her for the first time.


Life unfolded, and my assumed birthmother denied me, I lost sight of what God really did in all of this. God answered a 22-year-old prayer. I feel heartbroken, just two years after waiting, but little girl me waited patiently for 22 years. God actually did it! God answered my prayers! The mother in my heart is real. I by no means intend to disregard the mother I knew, but I must give God glory for what he has done.


The truth might hurt more than the wait, but what matters now is that I asked God and he heard me. He helped me through the 22 years I wondered if she was real, and revealed her to me in his time. Although my doubt runs deep, I know God will bring us together when the time is right. Everyone's what and why will look different. Everyone's when and how will look different as well. But the who never changes, God is the same God today, tomorrow, yesterday and the day before. And when God says He will do it, He will do it.


I encourage you to remember when your faith wasn't reliant on time. You may not have even realized you had faith, but everyone experiences the joys of faith one way or another. We expect to wake up, breathe, and go about our regularly scheduled activities. But as we grow older, we sometimes find it harder to expect the greatness of God to fill our hearts and grant our desires.


I challenge you to think about a lost dream, desire, or wish that you once had but gave up on. I want you to dig deep. I'll be transparent, I try to give up on my desire for a womb connection, I always dreamed of a mother who made me feel like an extension of her. I have been trying to give up on it because I am ashamed that I am too old to want it now, and I question if God intends for it to come into fruition. I feel that I appear ungrateful for this beautifully happy life I am living, because I still carry this yearning from my childhood. What about you?


Was it a parent? Was it a college? Was it a talent you gave up on? It could be a connection or a plan for your future. Can you look at it from the perspective of a child with pure faith, unaware of the burden of time or the weight of waiting? Can you trust God with it? Can you believe that if it is according to His will, He will see it through? Some things don't happen because it's not God's will, but what about those things that are a part of God's will for our lives or are in the realm of positively utilizing free will?


I know, I know, 1 Corinthians 13:11 does state, (A) "When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things." (KJV) And 1 Corinthians 14:20 tells us, (B) "Brothers and sisters, stop thinking like children. In regard to evil be infants, but in your thinking be adults." (NIV) Then Matthew 18:3 tells us, (C)"...Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven." (KJV)


To clarify, yes, the Bible tells us to be adults in our thinking and to move on from the past. However, Matthew 18:3 talks about mimicking some of the characteristics of children, such as humility, patience, purity, innocence, and faith, that aren't provoked or tainted by the harsh realities of life. So, hold onto your faith, undaunted by the fear introduced to us by life throughout the years. Remember how easy it was to trust God before waiting and expecting became such tasks. And hold onto what you prayed for without being afraid to expect God to bring it into fruition.


God Bless You!


-A.R.




References


(B) 1 Corinthians 14:20 - Prophecy and Tongues. (n.d.). Bible Hub. https://biblehub.com/1_corinthians/14-20.htm



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