Exposing Family Secrets: Shedding Light on Late Discovery Adoptees

What/Who Is a Late Discovery Adoptee?

A Late Discovery Adoptee (LDA) is a person who discovers they are adopted or raised by someone other than their biological parents later in life. Doctors and psychologists suggest a child should be made aware of their adoption truth as soon as possible, starting as early as the ages of three to five. It’s understandable that children may become ready to receive this truth at different ages, but it is highly recommended to tell a child well before the age of 12 for psychological and ethical purposes. A Late Discovery Adoptee is usually an adult when they discover their truth, but some teenagers may resonate with the LDA community as well.

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How Does One Discover They Are an LDA?

The majority of the time, an LDA may come to hear their adoption truth by accident, in an argument, through discovering health or medical conditions, or even through DNA results. There is a misconception that adoptees should feel nothing but gratitude for being adopted. It is ridiculous to tell someone how they should feel, especially under these circumstances. Their grief over being lied to is not meant to overpower their gratitude for being raised.

“It is a human and God-given right to know your birth origins, no matter the situation.”

Even if the mother was sexually assaulted, too young, unwed, or in any other scenario, the child always deserves to know the truth of who their parents are, no matter how it may make the parents look or feel. This doesn’t mean the parents shouldn’t be offered grace and compassion. Yes, mistakes happen, but don’t cover up a mistake like this by denying someone their truth—especially about something as important as their birth. This may be hard to hear, but it is cruel to allow a person to live every day believing a lie.

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The Age of DNA Testing

The age of Ancestry.com, 23andMe, and other ancestry DNA testing sites has exposed generations of lies and family secrets intended for the grave—meaning that these families were never intending to tell their supposed loved one the truth. It’s noteworthy and essential not to overlook the many success stories of adoption, where adoptees are blessed with wonderful parents and families who truly love them and share their truth from the beginning. There are also families who were great to adoptees who are LDAs. It’s a shame to have a great family who lied out of fear of losing you or to protect the reputation of the family.

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How Can This Affect the LDA and Their Families?

So many beautiful families are at risk of being destroyed over a secret that could do serious damage to the LDA. For some LDAs, the road to healing after discovering a huge portion of their life is a lie is extremely tedious and challenging. Many LDAs experience mental health issues that can result in outcomes as serious as suicide. Grief, anger, disconnection, shame, embarrassment, and a host of other emotions are expected when unpacking such a dark secret. Even though an LDA may know exactly who they are as an individual, not knowing where they came from can ignite an identity crisis.

Keeping a secret about someone’s birth and lying to them about their origin is the equivalent of rewriting someone’s truth without their consent. These adoption secrets were successfully kept for so long usually because not many people knew the truth, or because those who did know kept a pact to maintain the secret. They normally try to convince the LDA and the mother that the decision was for their own good. They may have truly believed they were doing what was best—but it’s not.

Keeping a truth like this is no simple thing. And even though some relatives may die before the truth comes out, that doesn’t mean the secret is never exposed. These truths can resurface at funerals and other family gatherings. Sometimes, when people begin to pass away or get very old, the truth slips out. There are even instances where an LDA’s child or grandchildren have exposed these truths long after biological and adoptive grandparents have died.

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Why Didn’t the Adoptive Parents/Families Tell the Truth?

Many family members take these secrets to the grave for completely selfish reasons such as:

• They don’t want to deal with the truth coming out.

• They feel the adoptee doesn’t deserve to know.

• They don’t want to expose their secret.

• They’ve become adapted to the lie and don’t want their life to change.

It’s hard to pinpoint exact reasons for every individual because humans are different, but when dealing with these specific categories of people, the excuses and actions usually follow a similar line.

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How to Confirm One Is an LDA?

Some LDAs discover that their adoptions were not legal, so there may not be a paper trail to confirm any suspicions they had before the discovery. And yes, in many cases, there were suspicions that something wasn’t right. Why? Because you can’t fake a genetic connection. The soul is not as easily deceived as the flesh. In many cases, the child who would eventually identify as an LDA was passed on to be raised by distant relatives. In some cases, LDAs may have been raised among their biological parents but led to believe they held a different role—such as siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbors, etc.

Even though there may not be a paper trail—such as an original birth certificate or adoption papers—there are still clues that have led LDAs to discover and/or confirm the cover-up. Delayed birth certificates are one of the biggest clues when exposing such a secret. In America, for approximately the last 60–70 years, all birth certificates are to be filed within 10 days of birth. A later date could mean corrections were made, such as spellings or other errors, but when combined with other clues—like no birth pictures or proof that your “mother” carried you—it’s a telltale sign of adoption, legal or not.

Also, in the instance of being passed to other relatives, the parents who raised you could be legally listed on your birth certificate even if they aren’t your biological parents. This could explain a gap between the filing date and your birthday—because the families had to get their story straight. There are many possible reasons for a gap on your birth certificate. This wave of LDA discoveries is unique and delicate, and experts are still uncovering how things were done.

Other ways to confirm one is an LDA include:

• DNA testing

• Applying for an original birth certificate (not all cases are within families)

• Asking around

• Doing your own investigation

• Following your heart

DNA testing can be the most efficient, but relatives can hide their DNA matches, which makes it harder to decipher family trees. With DNA results, you can build family trees and reach out to matches if the truth is not as obvious as hoped. Some of these situations may be easy to confirm, while others may take more effort.

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How to Cope With Discovering Such a Truth

Different people will have different experiences that lead them to feel a wide range of emotions, which can weigh heavily on their mental and physical health. Trust issues, anxiety, depression, attachment issues, relationship struggles, and more are all part of the long-term effects of finding out late in life that your parents aren’t your biological parents. Therapy, LDA support groups, and piecing together the truth are some ways to help LDAs deal with the shock and sting of their situation.

A huge warning to LDAs: this revelation may not always be met with warmth. Adoption reunions, especially those involving LDAs, don’t always go as hoped. Some parents do not wish to reconnect with the LDA and may feel offended or cornered when approached. It’s vital to be mindful of your emotions and boundaries. As much as an LDA may feel they deserve the truth, it’s important to consider what others may have experienced on their end of the secret.

Some LDAs cope by cutting contact with the family that raised them, whether permanently or temporarily. Some families with a healthy, safe dynamic may work through it one day at a time by apologizing, sharing the truth, and even going to family therapy. Some families with less healthy dynamics may not handle things as smoothly, especially if they are reluctant to tell the truth even after the LDA has discovered it.

Never allow anyone to make you feel small for uncovering something so serious. Never let anyone downplay your emotions—period! You deserve to know the truth, and you deserve the support needed to maintain your physical and mental health. This is not easy to deal with, so be kind to yourself, to those who have found out the secret, and to those who kept the secret.

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How to Forgive in a Situation Like This

“Forgiveness comes easier when the heart is not as heavy.”

There are layers to forgiveness. You may want to move forward but still need your pain acknowledged. You may want to show compassion but also receive it.

You may not want to forgive at all—and that’s okay too. Remember: forgiveness is not tolerance.You can forgive and still choose not to maintain a relationship.

Forgiveness means:

• Recognizing the harm done

• Choosing not to let it define or consume you

• Not allowing hate or resentment to take root in your heart

The Bible speaks to this in several places:

• Colossians 3:13 (NIV):

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

• Matthew 6:14–15 (NIV):

“For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

• Ephesians 4:32 (NIV):

“Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

We forgive, not because others deserve it, but because we need freedom from what they did. Forgiveness often needs to be revisited, especially when pain resurfaces. In those moments, remind yourself that forgiveness doesn’t erase the past—but it helps loosen the grip it has on your future.

To forgive your family:

• Try to understand how fear and shame may have driven their decisions.

• Accept that you may not have made the same choice—but they were human, too.

• Forgive them for your healing, not for their comfort.

Whether you maintain contact or not, make peace with yourself.

That’s the real freedom.

Article Written by Amelia Renee’

Illustration Art by Helen Hill.